ובהמשך לפרק הקודם בחיים ובבלוג ובהמשך למגמה המתפתחת בבלוג שלי, החשיפה של האמת שלי, אז הנה מה שירון כתב לי. לא נגענו
31/10/06 | יום שלישי
I will do that letter my style. I know you want it differently, and I know that I would probably figure out how to do it in your style. But it would then be your style, not mine.
So,
You've asked me yesterday to write some words of love to you. And all the way home I was trying to analyze what should I write.
It is clear to me that one cannot define or tell about 'love', just like we cannot tell what it what 'pain' or 'red' are for us. It is a sensation, and once you have it, you know it.
That does not mean one cannot talk about love. But it is always in an indirect way. Some ways come to my mind:
- to talk of what causes love. This is an analysis of what is in my eyes the thing that makes me feel love towards you. It can be something that happened in the past (for example, a memory of something you've done), something that happens in the present (for example, the way you talk, the way you kiss), or something in the future.
- To talk of what are the effects of love. How the fact that I love you affect my thoughts, my behaviour.
- To talk of the meaning of love. The meaning of love has to do with the way in which we grasp our commitment towards someone we feel in love with him. In contrast to the first two issues, this one involves much more than a direct causal link with love – it rather takes the issue of love one step further to check what I as an individual, and I as a member of a certain community that has value towards love, has to do in case that I meet love.
I will not do all that analysis. First, because I don’t think it has to be done – I don’t think I have to elaborate, to you or to myself, what exactly in you causes the love I feel towards you. Such an elaboration might become risky because the reasons I specified for causing the love might be gone (you get fatter, whiter) but the love may stay nevertheless. So I will not do that elaboration.
I could elaborate on the effects my love to you have on me. How I keep thinking of you; How I keep talking to you as if you are next to me, explaining you things, arguing with you (can already predict your answers); thinking of how can I make you happy by buying you stuff, or of the way in which out relationship advances.
Yet I believe the effects of love don’t end there. There is another, quite different level, in which love takes place, which is the way one behaves in general. The way I go along in my daily routine, the way I treat other people, the way I work. On all those things love has an impact, and it is far from simple to decipher it
But this is, I guess, of less interest to you. Not because you don’t care of what is going on with me, but mainly, because it is of no consequence for you, or for us. The fact that I am less attentive to people, or that I am more absent minded about thing can sound funny to the outside observer, and quite indicative of someone in love – but they are not real words of love. Just a past-time joke on the man in-love.
So we come to the third point, which is, as I said, more complex. I prefer to take the task of answering the question of what I should do in case I fall in love, not as a question detached from the one that I love, and more important, not from the things the one I love thinks about me. Because it is a question of obligation, not just of consequence, I should also consult the one I feel the obligation towards him.
So,
Here I get to the letter you've written me.
When I came back to you I told you that do that because I can bracket the things, or thing, that I don’t like in you. It allows me to love you with open eyes. I can permit myself to say, I love him, but I don’t like some things in me.
I things I had to do that, if I am about to return to you. I had to tell you why I have left in the first place, why I am back, and what are the things which I think are important to change. It is because I love you, and because I believe in that love, that I permit myself to admit to what I don’t like. I wouldn’t bother doing it to someone I don’t care about.
You say I have to love you the way you are – and I say I love you in spite of some things in you. My love to you is stronger than the faults I see in you and which I want and will try to change. I do that exactly because I love you; because I think that by helping you I'll make you a better person, and our relationship stronger. I am not putting a condition for you, I am with you in this game.
You say that you are lazy, desperate and lost, and wonder whether it is part of you and should be like that. So, yes, it is a part of you – you are desperate and you are lost, and in a way, it also has to be like that. I has to be like that to the extent that many of your age feel the same – they are lost in the world and feel desperate about it. That does not mean that you have to accept it as it is. You can change it, and I think you should work to change it. By finding a direction, a goal. Even a small one – a provisional one. One that will open you new horizons. It is the people that lack those goals who tend to linger in the situation of lose and desperation. And those who get out of it sooner, tend to fare better in life. Now, you might say – there are no better people than others – each has its own path in life. But even you wouldn't like your path in life be full of lost and desperation.
Now you say that you lack the energy to take out the new and energetic Moshe out of you. And I think that it is not the energy that is lacking, but the focus for that energy. Our minds are not set to deal with a lot of things, not at once anyway. Single minded people, people that have their mind set on a goal (like a bull dog that is set on a pray, closes his jaws, and don’t leave it) over all fare better. You have to find a goal as well. Not a big one, a small, provisional one. One which you think that will open you new opportunities. Looking for a better- paid job, as you've been doing lately is such a goal.
I cannot do it for you – I cannot choose a goal for you. I can help, push, shove but not set a goal. I hope I'm doing it well. Would like to know how I can do it better.
I am not a man of instant passion. I have a lot of passion, but it tends to express itself over long periods of time. I have a passion for biology, and the study of biology have been in my mind since the age of 11 when I was fist introduced to the subject. I have a passion for philosophy, and I am following it since I was introduced to it at the age of 18. And I have a passion for bicycle riding, and I do it ever since I started it 4 years ago. The intensity of the things I do is not expressed in the craziness in which I do it, but rather in my persistence. I persist in biology, philosophy, and bike riding, in spite of many things which might move me away from it. I shape my life according to my passions – not the other way around.
And you are my new passion. The passion to you; to have you near me; to live with you and to experience with you the rest of my life. From now on you will be also a factor that will shape my life, just like the passion for biology and philosophy ( and bicycle riding to some extent) have shaped it until now. For me passion is not about tearing closes off, throwing people over the wall or cursing – it is in the persistence in spite of all the difficulties. It is in setting the high priorities of my life, and shaping that life according to them.
And if it wasn't clear – I love you.
Sorry for the English….
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